


Everything I Know About High School I Learned From Degrassi: The Next Generation

by makesomelove



Series: Big Gay Prom [2]
Category: Bandom, Cobra Starship, Fall Out Boy
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - High School, High School, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2007-12-16
Updated: 2007-12-16
Packaged: 2017-10-26 17:52:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,751
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/286203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/makesomelove/pseuds/makesomelove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Alex and Patrick are back in class after prom and must take care of an egg.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Everything I Know About High School I Learned From Degrassi: The Next Generation

One day Patrick was in health class learning about the facts of life. Not the TV show, but like puberty and where babies come from. Patrick thought maybe this endeavor was completely pointless, seeing as how 99% of his fellow pupils were totally gay. Even Gabe -- who claimed to be straight because he was dating Vicky T. -- who also liked girls -- seemed a little iffy. Patrick was pretty sure nobody in his class would be getting a girl pregnant the old-fashioned way. Pete told him that he'd once donated to a sperm bank for the extra cash, but otherwise. Patrick honestly didn't know why his school hadn't been officially declared one of those special all-gay schools yet.

Patrick was also pretty certain that practically everyone who was forced to learn about where babies come from had already gone through the process of attempting to make a metaphorical baby. Everyone except him, anyway. He sort of hoped Alex hadn't yet, either, because he thought it would be romantic if he and Alex got married on a beach somewhere after graduation and had hot sex for the first time with each other in a bungalow on a hammock.

"Mr. Bryar, come on," Pete said. "We've all already had sex with your mom. We know how to make babies."

"Yeah, I know how to make babies, too," Mr. Bryar said. "I had sex with your mom 18 years ago."

"What? You're not--" Pete started to yell, but Patrick stopped paying attention. Alex sidled up beside Patrick where he was standing in the semi-circle around Mr. Bryar's desk with everyone else and took his hand. He'd been doing that a lot, ever since they'd gone to prom together a few weeks ago. Pete always stuck his finger down his throat and gagged whenever he saw them holding hands, but like Pete could talk about being gross. Ryan Ross dented a locker with Pete's head whenever he pushed him against them so they could make out until Principal Toro walked by and forcibly pried them apart.

Patrick and Alex looked at the carton of eggs on Mr. Bryar's desk that their class was supposed to raise as their very own for the last week before graduation.

"Wanna be my babydaddy?" Alex asked, elbowing Patrick's elbow.

"Me?" Patrick said. Not that he didn't want to try to make a thousand babies with Alex or anything, he just wasn't sure if Alex wanted to, too.

"Yeah, you. Or do you wanna be the mommy?"

"No, I -- I'll be your babydaddy," Patrick said. His heart felt all explodey and warm, like it was being zapped in a microwave of love.

Next to them them, Pete started gagging.

"Everyone pick a partner within the next ten seconds or I'll pick them for you," Mr. Bryar said. He looked at his watch and counted down. The class scrambled around until everyone was paired off.

"God, this is the gayest school ever," Mr. Bryar said after he wrote all the pairs down. "I've never seen so many gays concentrated into one area, and I've been to gay pride parades."

"If you're so full of gay pride, why aren't you on top of me right now?" Pete said.

In the past, Patrick may have wanted to ask Mr. Bryar why he wasn't on top of him too, but no longer. Now he really only wanted Alex on top of him. Maybe Mr. Bryar a little bit still, since Patrick still lived with him and still saw him in nothing but a towel sometimes, but Patrick thought that was okay. He figured Alex would want Mr. Bryar on top of him if he saw him in a towel, too. Plus, last week Mr. Bryar taught the class how to put a condom on a banana. It was basically the hottest thing Patrick had ever seen. He was certain Alex understood completely.

"Shut your piehole, Mr. Wentz," Mr. Bryar said. "Okay, class, so your assignment is to not break these stupid eggs. You're supposed to learn some kind of lesson."

"What's the lesson?" Gabe asked.

"Don't have kids," Mr. Bryar said. "Or if you do have kids, be sure not to drop them on the concrete, because they'll probably explode if you do."

Gerard, Vicky T., and Michael all looked horrified. Everyone else had stopped paying attention.

"Just don't break the eggs, and you'll pass," Mr. Bryar finished. "Class dismissed!"

~*~*~*~

At lunch, everyone named and decorated their egg children. Alex and Patrick named theirs Eggwin, which Alex found suitably punny and Patrick found suitably normal enough.

"Whose last name should he have?" Alex asked.

"I think yours. It sounds all swirly and exotic." Patrick demonstrated the swirliness of the name by moving his hands around like a magician.

"Eggwin Suarez it is."

Pete and Joe named theirs Zebra Hollandaise Trohman-Wentz. Ryan was repulsed by this name, and also full of raging jealousy that he and Pete could not raise a child together since he wasn't in that class, and he threatened to take their egg away and raise it himself. Patrick didn't even want to know what the rest of his class named their babies after this, although he did overhear Brendon suggesting the name Sailor Jupiter to Zack and Jon.

"Here, Patrick, I started his face," Alex said, handing Eggwin to him. Alex had given him sunglasses instead of eyes. "I gave him eyes, but he ended up looking cockeyed, so I just gave him shades. So the other kids wouldn't make fun of him."

Patrick gave Eggwin a little button nose and swoopy bangs and a smile. He looked almost exactly like Alex.

"One more thing," Alex said. He took Eggwin back carefully and drew sideburns onto him. "Now he has a little bit of both of us in him!"

"He's adorable," Patrick said. He was suddenly filled with a strange sense of fatherly pride.

"Hey, Patrick, does your kid wanna make out with my kid?" Pete held out his and Joe's egg. Zebra Hollandaise had a penis where his face should've been.

"No, that's okay," said Patrick. He handed Eggwin to Alex, who cradled him protectively to his chest.

"Do you want to take him home first, or shall I?" Alex asked.

"You can have him first," Patrick said. Then Patrick worried if it made him seem like a bad parent that he didn't fight to take his baby home with him. Then he worried he was taking this too seriously. Then he worried that he wasn't taking it seriously enough.

"Okay, you can have him tomorrow then," Alex said as the bell rang. He pressed Eggwin to Patrick's nose and a made a kissy noise and said "bye bye!" in a baby voice, then left for class. Patrick wanted to lick Alex's skin off like it was the chocolatey outer shell of an ice cream cone dipped in chocolate, but he went to class instead.

~*~*~*~

By the third day of sudden mass parenthood, only two eggs had been harmed. Patrick thought it could've been worse. William ate his and Travis' egg on accident, and Guy and Michael's egg broke because it was in Guy's jacket pocket when he and Michael were having sex in Michael's car. Patrick made sure to keep Eggwin in the nest he'd made for him out of a bowl and ripped up paper towels in the fridge whenever Eggwin was in his custody after this. He also made a sign that said **DO NOT EAT MY BABY** and placed it over Eggwin like a little tent.

On the fourth day, Patrick fell mysteriously yet violently ill. He stayed home from school and laid on the couch watching soap operas all day. Literally all day, because Bob had the entire week's worth Tivo'd. Bob was crazy. Patrick felt awful that he wouldn't get to see Alex or take Eggwin that day, but he also felt like he was being kicked in the gut by a clown.

At 3:26pm, someone knocked at the door. Patrick groaned and got up from his smelly afghan cocoon of pain to answer it. It was Alex. Patrick wanted to die, because he was wearing flannel pants and one of Bob's old FRANKIE SAYS RELAX shirts and he had various crusty residues in strange areas on his face and he hadn't bathed yet so his hair was oily and parted all weird.

"Hi, Bryar told me you weren't feel well, so I thought I'd bring you some soup," Alex said. He was holding a picnic basket.

"Oh, God," Patrick moaned. He didn't know which made him want to throw up more: the thought of eating things or Alex seeing him this way.

"I'm sorry! You don't have to eat it." Alex stepped forward and grabbed Patrick's arm to support him, even though Patrick probably wasn't going to fall over.

"It's okay." Patrick blinked hard a few times. "It's nice of you to do this for me. Do you want to come in?" Patrick waved to the living room.

"Yes," Alex said. He came in and took his shoes off and set his picnic basket on the floor. He bent down and opened the picnic basket, but only to take Eggwin out of it. "Can I put him in his room?"

"Yeah, go ahead." Patrick shuffled back to the couch and Alex joined him. He sat right up against Patrick and everything.

"Bryar didn't specify what kind of sickness you had, so I didn't know you'd be all vomit-y," Alex said. He bit his lip and looked like he felt bad, which made Patrick feel bad. It also made Patrick want to bite into Alex's lip like it was a juicy clementine wedge. This thought of food made him feel nauseous again. He closed his eyes and breathed through it like the woman giving birth in that video Bob had shown them at school. Patrick thought puking might be kind of like giving birth, only up instead of down.

"No really, it's fine. I'm okay as long as I don't think about putting anything in my mouth." Patrick was horrified once he realized how dirty that may have sounded, but Alex just took his hand and lay his head on Patrick's shoulder.

"What are we watching?" Alex used his free hand to throw the afghan over his and Patrick's feet.

"We are watching All My Children and I don't care who knows it," Patrick said. He still felt icky and smelly and crusty, but if Alex didn't mind, then neither did he.

Patrick fell asleep with Alex's hand in his and Alex's head on his shoulder and woke up horizontally with Alex on top of him. It was like those pictures people got at Sears, with their babies all passed out on top of a giant teddy bear, only way gayer. It made Patrick's insides feel gooey like the center of a Poptart. He was pleased to note that he no longer felt like he'd spew at the mere thought of food. Either he was over his 24-hour bug, or Alex was the human equivalent to Pepto Bismol.

Alex was also apparently the human equivalent to Viagra, because oh my God, Patrick had a total raging boner. He could feel it being... pokey. Patrick wanted to die really badly right then, so of course that's when Alex woke up. He lifted his head, smiled at Patrick, and then kissed him. Patrick couldn't remember brushing his teeth after the last time he threw up, so he was pretty sure his mouth tasted something like the garbage juice at the bottom of a garbage can. All of this added to his growing desire to die.

"Hey now," Alex said, rubbing up against Patrick a little bit. Patrick wasn't sure if he was relieved or even more terrified that Alex wanted to rub their boners together. "Are you -- do you want to?"

Patrick decided in that moment that yes, he totally wanted to. He was still terrified, but Alex looked terrified too, and Patrick figured it would be best if they were terrified together. It was no bungalow, but it was still good. He was about to nod his approval so hard, but then Bob got home and ruined everything.

"Hey, could you people not deflower each other all over my couch?" Bob called out from where he was taking his shoes off. "It'll weird me out whenever I jerk off there after."

"Uh, I'll just, I'll go home now," Alex said. He hurried to the door and slipped his shoes on without untying and retying them, grabbed his picnic basket, and didn't turn around as he called out, "Bye, Patrick, I hope you feel better!"

Patrick pulled the afghan over his head and sighed. "I'm going to bed," he said to Bob.

"Good night," Bob said, biting into a banana.

~*~*~*~

The next day, Patrick wasn't sure if Eggwin would be the child of a broken home or not. It was their final day of being parents anyway, but Patrick hadn't seen Alex yet, so he just wasn't sure. Normally Alex met him at the door and walked him to his locker, but he wasn't at the door that day. He hoped Alex was only embarrassed and not angry that they hadn't had hot gay sex with each other.

Patrick walked himself to his locker. Alex was already there, holding a thermos. As Patrick approached, Alex said,

"Hi, I'm sorry I tried to date rape you on our teacher's couch while you were all groggy and sick, I made you some new soup, like, I made it myself from scratch and it's really good, if you'll allow me to toot my own horn, I mean, not in a sexual manner or anything, but here's some soup. I'm sorry."

"What?" Patrick said. He was happy Alex appeared to still want to talk to him. He took the thermos from Alex and unscrewed the lid to sniff the soup. "Don't be sorry, I wasn't that out of it. This smells really good."

"Thanks," Alex said. He wiped his hand across his forehead in a relieved gesture and smiled. "So, how's our baby?"

"He's good." Patrick took Eggwin out of his backpack and held him in his right hand, while Alex took his left hand as they walked to class. "What should we do with him after we pass?" It made Patrick kind of sad that he wouldn't be a parent anymore, even though he was only taking care of an inanimate egg.

"Set him free in his natural habitat," Alex said. He squeezed Patrick's hand like he felt the same disproportionate sadness as Patrick.

"What's an egg's natural habitat?" Patrick asked. He pictured breaking into a barn with Alex and placing Eggwin underneath a chicken. Or maybe they'd take Eggwin to the edge of a forest and yell at him to leave until he rolled away while he and Alex pretended they weren't sobbing.

"The side of Pete's car, obviously," Alex said.

Everyone in the class got an A, except for Guy and Michael and William and Travis, and also except for Pete and Joe, because they'd broken Zebra Hollandaise when they dropped him in a spoon race, but then tried to tape him back together with duct tape. They got a C. Patrick was excited, because this meant he was practically graduated. After class, everyone, even Pete, went outside and pelted their eggs at Pete's car.

"I think I have empty nest syndrome now," Alex whispered to Patrick. "We should try to make another baby. Like, tonight. My parents are out of town."

"Are they seriously?" Patrick said. "How perfect is that timing?"

"Insanely perfect," Alex agreed. He grabbed both of Patrick's hands and pulled him forward so they were chest-to-chest and their bodies formed a T.

Just then music started playing from somewhere.

"Hey everyone!" Gabe yelled. Patrick realized the music was coming from Gabe's car after this. "Let's have an end of the year dance party!"

"Isn't that what prom was?" Michael asked.

Everyone danced in the parking lot anyway. There was never a moment in Patrick's life when he didn't want to dance with Alex, so they danced together. It felt like the cheesiest ending to every high school movie ever; Patrick could practically see the cameras panning out and up as the music swelled.

But, he thought, as he and Alex shimmied at one another, cheesy endings were always the best ever.

 

 

~*~*~THE END~*~*~


End file.
